That was the Sporting Week: Why always me Man City striker Balotelli”s hotel diary
Mario Balotelli has been staying at a plush Manchester hotel since his house was damaged in a Bonfire Night mishap.
And his enforced residency has provided plenty of work for staff, if the highly sensitive contents of the hotel reception manager”s log book for the month of December are any indication.
Here Sporting Week reveals an intriguing “insight” into the lifestyle of one of the Barclays Premier League”s most colourful foreign imports.
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December 15 – had a quiet word with Mr Balotelli about his planned festive season celebrations in an attempt to encourage him to change the venue for his Twelve Days of Christmas firework display. I respectfully suggested that his en suite bathroom complex with adjacent wet room is not the ideal setting for the ambitious party plan and thankfully Mr Balotelli saw sense.
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With a minimum of fuss and no amateur dramatics, he agreed to switch the indoor pyrotechnics to his split-level lounge which features a bespoke sprinkler system. He also promised to keep the windows open as an additional safety precaution. Still sensing a potential for problems, I took the liberty of familiarising Mr Balotelli with the location of our fire escapes.
December 14 – spoke discreetly to Mr Balotelli again about the problems of leaving his white Maserati GranTurismo parked in front of the continental buffet trolley during the serving of breakfast in the main dining room.
Mr Balotelli agreed that it could be seen as somewhat selfish to obstruct other guests in this manner but added that he couldn”t be bothered to walk all the way from the juice bar to the warm croissant selection and had therefore elected to make the five-yard journey by car.
As Mr Balotelli is paying around 1,000-a-night for the duration of his stay with us, I politely attempted to reach some middle ground with him by suggesting he at least attempt to parallel park alongside the cutlery dispenser, thus reducing disruption.
He”s Bad: Balotelli reportedly wowed the crowds with his MJ tribute act
December 12 – an exhilarated yet exhausted Mr Balotelli returned to his room at 7am following the Manchester City Christmas party – which was staged in London – claiming to have wowed the exclusive nightclub clientele with his Michael Jackson tribute act.
December 10 – Mr Balotelli was found wrestling in the corridor with a night porter who was attempting to deliver the hot chocolate and biscuits he had ordered to his room. I eventually managed to convince Mr Balotelli that the porter was on his side and it was therefore pointless attacking him. Mr Balotelli did not look convinced and argued that if security staff had not witnessed the fracas on cctv, nobody would have known anything about it and he would not have got into trouble in the first place.
December 9 – I was forced to calm Mr Balotelli after he – in my view – over-reacted to the discovery of an under-cooked prawn in his evening curry. Although I could fully understand Mr Balotelli”s dissatisfaction with this unacceptable culinary lapse, I did not think pulling his shirt over his head to reveal a tee-shirt adorned with the message “Why always me” and running around the dining room screaming was helpful to staff or the other guests.
Why always me Balotelli celebrates his derby goal
I suggested to Mr Balotelli that next time he had an issue with our standards of catering, he should contact myself in order to resolve the issue, rather than upturning the cold meats counter and chasing the sous-chef around the foyer brandishing a chicken wing. Mr Balotelli did not agree or disagree with me. In fact, I don”t think he was listening to me.
December 6 – after entertaining a posse of shady, swarthy visitors in cheap suits with suspiciously bulging breast pockets who signed themselves in at the front desk simply as “Big Toni”s family from Sicily”, Mr Balotelli later rang reception to complain that he had attempted to go to sleep, only to discover a horse”s head in his bed. We eventually tided up the mess and removed the head wrapped in sheets and concealed in a laundry trolley.
December 5 – Mr Balotelli has been elected president of the residents” association in the hotel, but I had to veto his first idea for a social event, telling him the basement does not have the relevant safety certificates for the staging of an in-house fight club.
I then had to talk Mr Balotelli around after he was found in confrontational pose intimidating the two window cleaners working in a high harness outside his floor-to-ceiling bathroom window on the 22nd floor. I eventually managed to persuade Mr Balotelli to at least wear a towel around his nether regions if he must antagonise onlookers.
December 1 – answered an emergency call from Mr Balotelli”s suite to find our valued guest had become trapped while attempting to dress in his complimentary, brush weave, 100% Angora wool bathroom gown. A team of porters eventually freed Mr Balotelli using a set of high-powered shears and released him back into his contemporary living space where he calmed himself down with a session on the Xbox 360. Sadly he then over-excited himself once more by becoming embroiled in an on-line dispute with a team-mate over a disputed off-side decision.
*** Please note: no elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column